Of rainy days and stained silk

today is a day of rain, yesterday was a day of rain and the day before - rain. rain in this context is ment figuratively, i wished it did and hope it would. rain would ease the sorrow, cool the air and clear my mind, while it would create an atmosphere of gloom; i love rain, love admiring it, the atmosphere, the change in visual contrast.

the days i think it should rain and so on are the days that it doesnt rain.

yet you might ask whats with this sudden emotional stance, why the mood in a pretty much negative blog that has a self-arrogant undertone? a simple two words, yet soo hard to mention without feeling wrong and in a sense disappointment.

perhaps things are not ment to be, the constant pain in certain parts of my physical self can be endured. id like to see what comes out of the brew, something that i took effort to cook and nature for years yet never seem to mature in the right way. it feels like a bad stew, in some sense probably too slow to get cooked and too early to be had for supper.

im tired of the stew, yet i put soo much effort into it and still care to it that i feel wrong throwing it away. im at a crossroad, a loss of direction, an indecisive standstill, i seek help but again what help is there? the answers are obvious, my friends all point that direction but yet i feel reluctant, i feel wrong, i feel sad.

i type this with a weight pullnig my heart, my chest heavy and my head confused. what did she do to deserve such treatment, nothing; yet i wanted to end it in some part of my head for a long time. it was not an overnight thought but a thought of months and yet here i am soo close to realising that thought i am afraid and sad.

what did i ever do to deserve this, all i wanted was a partner to be with me, someone who understands and knows me, to be with me at my times of need but that is what i dont have. are my expectations high? i doubt so, is it fair to her ? its a firm no.

sometimes i go out of the house, at night and look at the sky alone. i always loved the night, the sense of tranquil and peace, the dark comfort and the glow of the moon. if only the night can offer me advise, but so seek more than its peaceful embrace is unrealistic

im sad, and probably......................will always be alone